Hey cutie,
How have you been? I’ve missed writing to you so much, life has been a rollercoaster for me but I’m finally beginning to see the light at the end of tunnel so I’m really glad I can pull out a blank sheet to type my words to you. Cherry blossoms adorn every corner of the streets in this part of the world as New Zealand welcomes spring, one of my favourite times of the year.
There’s something about this season that just brings a smile to my face. I start to feel more alive again, the warmer days melt away the seasonal gloom that usually accompanies winter.
Everything seems more colourful as flowers bloom across gardens, the sky fills up with a bright blue hue and you can smell the sweetness in the air. There are iced teas and there’s berry picking and oh, there is so much sunshine.
But mostly, spring cleaning is something almost everyone takes part in during this time of the year, including myself. I put on an old pair of sweatpants and a faded shirt, rolled the sleeves back and got my hands dirty as I collected all the things I no longer needed to either store for the colder months, donate or throw away. As I folded away my knit jumpers and wool sweaters, I wondered how many people take the time to pause for “emotional cleaning” as well, or if they even realise it is something that needs to be done?
There are so many versions of ourselves that exist within us that we probably don’t realise how much of the past we carry into the future. There is the ten-year-old version of me who received her first ever journal with a lock and has never stopped writing since. There is the seventeen-year-old me who experienced fierce and passionate female friendship in all its joy and glory and has always been looking for something close to that again. There is the twenty-four year old me who has been recovering from deep body image issues and eating disorders.
I want to take spring this year as an opportunity to clean out my emotions, to pick what I want to invest my future energy in. Some days I feel closer to seventeen-year-old me when I spend an afternoon cooking and laughing with a dear friend. Other days I feel closer to twenty-four year old me when I can’t find a single outfit after hours of shopping. But I know there is a choice I get to make when I decide how much time I want to spend feeling either emotion. The former adds happiness as it reminds me that life is worth living for while the latter can hurl me into a sea of sorrow if it lingers for too long.
But at the end of the day, healing is not something that is a tick on the list. It’s not a job that “just needs to be done”. I don’t believe anyone can be a hundred percent healed from something that caused them immense pain and suffering, but they can most definitely work on ways to heal to have it affect them less.
You don’t really grow out the sadness, but you grow around it. As time goes, the grief doesn’t necessarily go away but you make room around it so it becomes smaller and smaller until it doesn’t impact you so much anymore.
I think this “emotional cleaning” will be my priority over the next couple of months. I am visiting home soon, to spend an extended amount of time with my family while working from my home city. I want to focus on healing my mental and physical wellbeing, to grow into a better person.
And I am so excited for it! Previously I have tried to address my trauma but I attempted to combine all the different types of trauma to overcome them all at once, which is practically impossible as you can imagine. The human brain has only so much capacity and when I overloaded mine to deal with a dump truck of heavy emotions, it led to worse breakdowns from the overwhelm.
But now, I know what to pick to work on, I know how much work I need to put in for different areas of my life. I have a good feeling about this spring, I can’t wait to see who I will grow into by the time summer comes around.
Before I end this letter, I want you to tell me one thing you want to see a difference in yourself by the end of this month, let’s keep each other accountable! For me, I want to separate my work life and personal life and have at least two hours a day to read or write or watch something I enjoy. What about you? For now, I hope you continue keeping well my dear friend. I hope wherever you are in this world that your days are filled with as many smiles as possible and that you have the strength to deal with the difficult days.
I will see you in the next letter, take care until then. *Forehead kisses*
Lots of love,
sorry for late reply though.......my heart smiled while reading this....i felt like you were talking...mmm and from this month i want to meditate and give time for preparing exam...in my schedule..cheers to you and allll lovee ...hope we get on our little goals ..
Good read