How's your inner child doing?
Looking at pictures of Little You sure does send you through a whirlwind of emotions...
Dear reader,
Writing to you has easily become one of my favourite things to do every week. I love coming home after a week of work, gathering my thoughts to type away and send this letter to your hands, and I’m so glad you give me the chance to do so. How has this week been for you? I for one have started to breathe a little easier again and I gotta tell you, it feels great. I also borrowed about ten books from the library yesterday and I’m so excited to start reading all of them (will tell you about it another time).
As you know, I’m currently living with my parents at the moment and so the other day I was feeling quite nostalgic. I knew they had stashed away all my school report cards and childhood photos and for some reason, I felt a strong urge to dig them up so off I went to rummage through my father’s drawers and at the bottom of the bottom one, I finally found the big yellow file with all my memories locked away.
As I opened the file, out spilled different photos and treasures of me. Without sounding like a self-dabba (boasting), there were report cards with comments like “she’s a pleasure to have in class”, “extremely diligent and hard working”, “never ceases to impress with her efforts”. Immediately I felt a wave of *something* wash all over me, almost like goosebumps.
It gave me flashbacks to primary school, where I was always waiting eagerly to go above and beyond of what was expected from me. I stayed above several levels of the other kids in my class in all subjects, enrolled to take examinations that were non-compulsory, simply to go the extra mile. I sought academic validation like there was no tomorrow. But the thing was, I enjoyed it. I wanted to do all of it.
I would spend my lunch breaks and recess times huddled away in a corner of the library, a book always in my hand. If the library was closed that day, I would find a quiet little spot in the far end of the soccer field and spend time reading. I eventually got along with my peers and expanded my social circle but books were easily my best friends.
As I flicked through more photos of my younger self, I noticed that almost every year in school (in NZ) I was wearing a bottu (bindi/an ornamental dot on the forehead traditionally worn by Indian/Hindu women). I never felt ashamed of it despite my classmates looking at me strangely at first but they eventually got used to it. Even in my year 7 formal (prom), all my girl friends wore long gowns and dresses but I chose to wear a pink sparkly chudidhar with a bottu and was complimented that I looked like an Indian princess.
I didn’t know at the time but I began to feel a sense of belonging with my bottu, and it slowly dawned upon me that these days I always feel like the best version of myself when I am wearing it. Not only do I feel good on the outside, but I can always feel a type of confidence and happiness radiate from within as well. And so it made me think, was it because I felt so connected with my younger self?
There will always be parts of our past self that we carry with our present self and sometimes there could be overwhelming thoughts and trauma but when these get too much, I’d like to remind you to think of Rainer Maria Rilke’s quote:
“The trees you planted in childhood have grown too heavy. You cannot bring them along. Give yourselves to the air, to what you cannot hold.”
Sure, growing up means coming to terms with all the versions of yourself and also looking out for Future You, but it’s not all that bad.
I love growing older and coming to learn how I work as a person, like figuring out how certain songs spark instant joy or how words have always been my best friends or watching myself change or understanding why I feel so content when I’m wearing a bottu. There are so many mysteries inside of ourselves that we have to yet unravel and there will always be more and sometimes I think maybe its all worth it indeed.
And so, I’d like to ask you, when was the last time you reconnected with your inner child? If it isn’t too much, I’d love for you to think about what you’re doing now that you used to do as a child. If you’re also a twenty-something like me, I want to tell you to never feel bad thinking you’re wasting your twenties. As someone on the internet once said, there’s no such thing, your twenties are for recovering/rediscovering from/for what happened to you as a kid so that you’re ready to get weird with it in your thirties.
I know this letter might be the longest I’ve written till date, but I hope you enjoyed walking down memory lane with me. I truly love sharing these anecdotes of my life with you and I hope this inspires you to check in with Little You too. Leave your comments or send me a message on socials, I longingly wait to hear what you have to say. I’ll see you in the next letter, take care until then.
Sending you love and warmth,
That second to last paragraph about not feeling bad for "wasting your 20's" really struck something inside of me. Needed to hear that today. Also I just rewatched Twilight with my cousin last night which is a yearly tradition for us that's kind of like a check in with our inner child!
Ah thank u so much Bri, I’m glad my words resonated with u! And that’s so good, love a yearly tradition 🥰